Waste of Time

  LAUP was different than I thought. Perhaps you imagined it how I initially did: austere living conditions, miserable nutrition, and daily pangs of guilt towards the selfish consumerist lifestyle I live back in the real world. A summer of misery and painful convictions straight from the accusing pointer finger of Jonathan Edward's angry God. Ha. LAUP was exhausting on a daily basis and frequently convicting, sure, but it didn't feel like miserable drudgery. Instead, it was far more life-giving than emptying. I will be posting my thoughts in sections at a time, so stay tuned for more updates(for reals this time!)

                                                   

   During my six week stay in East Hollywood, I spent a good deal of time investing in people and things that conventional wisdom would suggest aren't a good use of my time. I spent four weeks of my summer just talking to random students at Los Angeles Community College about their spiritual background, about the issues in their personal lives, about Jesus, and whatever else they wanted to talk about. I invited dozens of them to hangouts and barbecues, and most never showed up. I drew portraits for families in the park as a way of getting to know the community better, and tried to hold conversations with kids or moms that only spoke Spanish­­­. I helped a small church plan and run a kid's camp for the kids in my neighborhood, planning the curriculum and teaching bible stories and writing skits with esoteric pop culture references that were mostly just for me and supervising crafts and playing games with the kids. At the end of the six weeks I bade my farewells to the students and children and the household that hosted us, and returned home.  

  These disparate interactions with people don't really have any teachable resolution or payoff. They happened, and I don't think I can ever know how much of it mattered to a lot of the people I interacted with. The people I met aren't really the influential movers and shakers that folks are clamoring to network with, they're just normal folks from the neighborhood, a neighborhood of old Armenian families and multigenerational Latino families who are being squeezed out of their apartments by the rising rent rate as the wealthy hipster population continues to gentrify farther south of Los Feliz. There's no obvious reason to be investing in these kids or their families or these community college students at LACC during my summer. Conventional wisdom would say I should have done that animation summer camp at CSU Monterey, where I could have worked with a Nickelodeon studio exec to develop an animated pilot pitch on a team of the best and brightest artists from across the state. That has obvious purpose and payoff. Conventional wisdom might even venture to say that what I did choose to do this summer didn't matter, the statistics show that most of those families trapped in cycles of poverty will stay where they are, and it is futile to think anything I did will make any difference. Both these arguments may even seem fair, that working on my portfolio and career would yield more results for me than a starry-eyed attempt to change the world in that span of time. 

     But that "Kingdom of God" that Jesus is always talking about isn't really dictated by conventional wisdom. I didn't do LAUP to change the world, I did it because I felt the apathy in my heart towards systems of poverty, and that wasn't a feeling I was content to continue to have as someone who claims to follow Jesus. I did it to try to understand why Jesus' insistence on being "good news to the poor" was so important. I did LAUP so Jesus could change my heart. 

   After those six weeks, my heart doesn't feel that different, to be frank. I waited for six weeks for the epiphany, that moment where my heart breaks for some person or moment that reveals this is poverty, and this is my calling now. I didn't have that epiphany. I didn't slide my Meyers-Briggs alignment from a T to a F because of all that I saw, learned and experienced. I didn't gain a perfect, holistic understanding of all the issues so I can educate all my friends of the most just and beneficial ways of alleviating poverty or systemic racism or whatever. If anything, I learned more issues to have more questions about, and few hard answers. My heart still often waffles between feeling overwhelmed by the immensity of the issues, and the blind comfort of saying whatever to all of it.

   But what I did begin to learn is to just show up and be teachable. If God is calling me to do something, my job is to show up and let Him lead me through whatever it is I'm supposed to do. God was calling me to do LAUP and have my lens of the world widened, so I showed up to learn. The folks at LAUP had my team do campus outreach at a community college, and also run a kid's camp. So I showed up and did my best to be teachable. Neither the work at LACC or for the kid's camp was particularly glamorous, or as I pointed out earlier, objectively a game changer. I had plenty of anxieties about doing these things and about trying to do them perfectly. I quickly had to concede, though, to the fact that I didn't have skills in either inner city campus outreach or writing and executing curriculum for a kid's camp, and the only thing I could do was show up to both and be open to whatever God was asking of me. When I conceded that I was powerless to execute whatever task was at hand on my own anyway, and that it was the Holy Spirit doing the work and not me, suddenly the anxiety started to lessen. The outcome was never going to look how I imagined it to, and the payoff and resolution wasn't mine to claim anyway. God was going to work how He was going to work, and he had already equipped me with the things I needed to say and do, not just the things I thought I should say and do. So I began to let go. I began to worry less about being able to relate to people perfectly or saying all the right things, and began to learn to be content with what I could contribute. Maybe I'm making this sound a tad more fatalistic than it actually is. But the God I know is the concert master of this ridiculous, magnificent orchestra, and if my job is to only play the triangle or the sleigh bells for the whole piece, I need to learn to be content with that. 

   I spent a lot of my day doing things that seemed like they didn't matter, but I gained so much life along the way. I met so many people unlike I've never met before--students who were street musicians, gang members with vast conspiracy theories about the government but also a stronger knowledge of the bible than you or I combined, queer folks who were shunned by the LGBTQ community and church alike who were still pursuing Jesus, Scientologists, guerilla gardeners, and everything else under the sun. The more people I met, the more my paradigm shifted. It became less of how can I learn as much as I can about the issues of the city through these people and have my heart changed so I'm not such a rotten unfeeling person all the time, and a little more of I want to know this person because I'm actually interested in who they are and where they come from, and I care about what they're going through.  The people became less manifestations of issues I was supposed to be learning about at this program and then say the right Jesus keywords to in order to fix them, and more like people who I wanted to learn more about and understand the pains they'd experienced and see the unique shard of Imago Dei in each of them, and not feel the need to fix their existence based on the few facts I knew about them. As I've listened to other peoples' stories and hurts, my self-centered worldview and thought process has ever so slightly begin to flip to face outwards, and I think I've begun to see people a tiny bit more like how Jesus sees them.   

   So LAUP wasn't a waste of time. I don't feel too awful about not crying enough while I was at LAUP, and I don't feel too bad that my LAUP experience didn't follow Joseph Campbell's hero's journey story arc, or even that my heart wasn't broken. I still got dunked on by Jesus pretty hard, but I think he did it in a way so it wasn't a one-time dunkening. It's been less of an epiphany, and more of an invitation--what will I do with this new insight? I can shrug it off and try to stay unaffected by it, or I can stay unsettled and continue to gain new refractions of who God is through the shards of Imago Dei I encounter each day. My heart's being broken and repaired a little at a time, Boat of Theseus-style. I just need to continue to show up and be teachable. 

"Teach me your ways, O LORD, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you." Psalm 86:11

An Update(But not really, just an apology for not updating)

Hey readers!

So this is kind of an apology post more than anything. It took me two weeks to write my first letter--it was actually a very good, thoughtfully worded letter--but apparently that whole batch of letters my team sent were lost in the mail system. I apologize to those of you who have been checking this blog faithfully that there's only been that one update from my parents, nonetheless.


It's been crazy busy here in East Hollywood, nonstop activities and responsibilities from the moment I get up to when I go to sleep. It's been fun, challenging, exhausting and life-giving all at once, but I don't think I'll ever be able to make good on my commitment to publish weekly updates, so I really apologize for that. It's been a struggle to even record things in my personal journal, let alone write an insightful, succinct and legible letter home. I will write up some of my experiences and reflections once I get back, but because I'm so busy and snail mail is proving to be unreliable I think I will hold off on trying to update until then.

Just know that I am doing well. God's really been challenging me in like a bunch of different areas--ethnic identity, how I use my money, empathizing for other people's lives and cultures, being brave enough to talk to college students every day, being patient enough to work with children every day, and a bunch of other ways I can write about later. But regardless of what the issue is or who I'm working with, I feel like God is first and foremost asking me what the intent of my heart is. I could do plenty of good and brave and noble things in my time here, but if my heart isn't in the right place when I'm doing it, what's the point?

Thanks for reading this (not actually an) update, I'll be back soon and have more to say then.


--Stephen

An Update from Stephen!

 We (Stephen's parents and sister) got to visit Stephen and hear how he and his five teammates are doing in East Hollywood. Here are a few updates:

• They are all doing great! Living on $5 per day (per person) has been easier than they thought. In fact, they decided to give some of the money that they would spend on food to support local initiatives in the community.
• Everyday, the team has been going to LA Community College to help out with an Intervarsity Christian Club there. Stephen said he has had quite a few meaningful conversations with students and he and his team have helped host a few events for students as well. 
• This week is the start of a 2-week Science-themed "camp" for kids in the local community. The team has been working hard to create their own program, including one of the teammates writing original songs, and planning fun games and activities (hence the smiley donut pinata in the pic below will be one fun part of the program).
• They are learning from community members who are committed to loving their neighbors and demonstrating God's love to others. Stephen and his team are partnering with people who run a church that doesn't have a physical building but meets in parks instead. This enables this church to use funds that would otherwise go to paying for facilities to be used for the events they hold and to pay for community meals. 
• The team has been relying on God's provision for energy, creativity, and growing in their faith.

THANKS for your prayers and letters of encouragement. Stephen appreciates it. :) 

                                 

PRAYER POINTS:

• Praise God that they are doing well, and have had some great connections with students and families in their community. 
• Please pray that they would have lots of energy this week as they run the kids' camp the next two weeks as well as with their volunteering at LA Community College.
• Please pray that they would each continue to grow in their relationship with God and with each other and that they can serve and love others out of the overflow of experiencing God's love for them.

Look for an update on July 10th

                                                                     




                                       LAUP Fast Facts
Hey friends and family! This summer I'll be participating in a 6-week internship through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship called LAUP! Here's some deets:

WHAT IS LAUP?: Los Angeles Urban Project, or LAUP, is an internship program that exists to give students a glimpse into the lives of the urban poor in Los Angeles and how God’s heart breaks for them. My site will be in East Hollywood. 

WHO'S GOING? Me, of course! I’ll be going with a team of five other students from the InterVarsity chapter at my school, CSULB.  

WHEN IS THIS?I will be participating for six weeks of the summer, from June 19th to July 30th.  

WHAT ARE YOU DOING/LEARNING?: At LAUP, I’ll be living intentionally in an inner-city  neighborhood. My team will be on a fixed income(one comparable to that of the people living around us) and without access to a personal cell phone or computer. I will be partnering with organizations in the city to serve the community we’re in. I will be learning how biblical values like justice, compassion, and hope play into and bring light to the often bleak landscape of systemic injustice and poverty.

BUT WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? In complete honesty, the main reason I wanted to do LAUP is because I realized how little I knew or truly cared about the plight of the urban poor. It was much easier to pretend like the issue of poverty was something far away and foreign, not something pretty much in my backyard. However, the more I've studied the ministry of Jesus, the more I've realized the poor and disenfranchised were those most instrumental and beloved within it, and I want to learn how to be a part of that. The more I've begun to consider systemic poverty, the more I've realized it's all around us in LA county. For example:

• 40% of Los Angeles County Homeless are Women and Children
• 1 in 6 Los Angeles County Residents live below the poverty line.
• There are over 150,000 gang members in Los Angeles County

Many residents live their lives amidst poverty, drugs, and violence. Innocent children in our inner cities are born into enormous disadvantages, lacking quality education, health care, and limited attention from adults.

------------

How You Can Support:  

(1) Prayer. LAUP is going to present all kinds of unexpected and unforeseen challenges for both my team and myself. Your support through prayer for protection, blessing, and open hearts for all we will be experiencing will be crucial. Commit to regular prayer for my LAUP team, our site, and the
neighborhood we’ll be serving.

(2) Finances. The non-profit organization we are going with is sending 22 students to various locations around the world. Collectively we are attempting to raise $51,000 for all of us to go.

If you would like to make a donation:
1. Go to https://donate.intervarsity.org/donate#17842
2. type in a $ amount (ignore the top part that asks you to type in a name because you're already at the right place)
3. it should lead you to a place where you can input all your name and other giving info.


(Also for you hip youths, you can venmo me if that's easier~)

Thanks for reading this far, you're the best! Text/call/PM me if you have any questions.

Your favorite human,
Stephen

Green Tea Ice Cream

I'm spending six weeks of my summer in East Hollywood to experience urban poverty firsthand all because of green tea ice cream. Well, kind of.

Let me explain.

A few months ago, after a particularly draining day at school, I decided to reward all my hard efforts of staying awake in my classes and not leaving early out of boredom with some much-deserved ice cream. My particular flavor I was craving that day, green tea ice cream, was only available from Haagen Dazs in those tiny, expensive tubs that are a terrible deal in terms of dollars per ounce. But my mind was set. I got off the bus and made a beeline to the Vons right beside my apartment to get my tiny tub of green tea ice cream.





My thoughts of hedonistic dairy consumption dissipated as I walked across the parking lot to the market, however.  I was suddenly approached by a somewhat unkempt middle-aged woman who immediately launched into a seemingly pre-prepared speech:

"PLEASE DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE my family just got kicked out of our apartment and my family is in my car and we need money for a hotel tonight my baby girl is cold please you can go see for yourself I'm telling the truth I promise if I'm lying you can have me arrested but please if you have any kindness please help us out I can pay you back one day--" The woman spoke with such rapidity and desperation I just kind of stood there, not knowing what to do or when to interject.

"I have, like, two bucks," I said, truthfully.  I handed her the two dollars I had in my wallet. She took the money, quickly thanked me, and hurried off presumably to the next compassionate shopper.

At home, the green tea ice cream didn't taste as good as usual. The taste in my mouth wasn't the usual sweet flavor of the ice cream, it was cold, acrid, and bitter. The events from earlier churned slowly in my mind. I tried to justify my actions, and weigh the pros and cons of other responses I could have had.

 My first thought: the woman was probably just hustling for money. This may be true. I'd seen other homeless individuals use the exact same schtick about a family in a car in that same parking lot, if fact.

There may have actually been a real family in the car. Also possibly true. It takes sincere desperation for something to ask for a stranger's money in a parking lot. It made sense in a city-wide context as well: Long Beach's homeless rate is among the top 10 for large American cities.

Giving out cash is an ineffective way to combat poverty/homelessness. True. It can create dependency on aid and handouts, and can exacerbate someone's dependence on people and systems for money rather than seeking purpose and empowerment through vocation or a role in community.

But Jesus calls us to be servant to all, especially the poor. Also true. There' s the whole business of Matthew 19 when Jesus is talking to the young man who wants to know how to inherit eternal life, and Jesus says, "Go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." If that wasn't clear enough already, Jesus then adds on "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God."
During his sermon on the mount, Jesus also mentions to "Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you" (Matt 5:42). So Jesus makes himself pretty clear on the attitude with which we should be interacting with the poor.

Yeesh. So what was the best decision in a situation like the one I found myself in? If I ignored the woman and just bought myself green tea ice cream, that would seem pretty clearly in contrast to what Jesus had taught. But to just thoughtlessly give the woman money because I felt bad(or worse, just because I wanted her to go away), then I would just be enabling and perpetuating a cycle of dependency and handouts without actually helping the woman in any way rise above her situation of poverty and homelessness.

That whole incident wasn't necessarily deep or profound or even a new experience for me, but it did make me realize how I let the issue of systemic poverty and brokenness affect me: I don't. It literally took a stranger to walk up to me and begin telling me her life story for me to even let the plight of those less fortunate than me from the very city I'm living in affect me firsthand. Part of that avoidance is my own selfishness, certainly, but another part is that confusion of what attitude and actions I should be taking towards poverty. Knowing how to interact with individuals caught in its cycle seems like navigating a confusing maze of contradicting values and ideas. How am I supposed to care for those less fortunate than me in earnest, without just handing them money to go away and assuage my guilty conscience? How can I help those in need be restored to whole without making their condition worse?  Does it help or hurt to give strangers money? How can I even start think about fostering relationship with the poor and homeless in my community when it seems to be a rotating cast of individuals in one area, even from day to day? How would Jesus deal with handouts vs long-term community integration and rehabilitation of the poor and homeless? Could I ever enjoy green tea ice cream without experiencing the weight of a deep spiritual and existential dread ever again?

The answer is I don't know.  I feel dissatisfied with the meager knowledge I have now, but I know God is good enough to have answers to my questions. Based on the accounts of friends who have already gone through it, LAUP will be difficult, challenging, upsetting, unsettling, and overwhelming, but undoubtedly rewarding. And according to my friend Matt, "LAUP made the gospel make more sense."

So here's to LAUP. Here's to witnessing urban poverty firsthand. Here's to living on $5 for food a day. To the individuals and families my team will be serving, and the relationships that we'll make. To having my selfish, privileged, and wholly solipsistic worldview challenged and flipped inside out as my heart is transformed to be more like His in my attitude towards the poor.


Here's to green tea ice cream and getting dunked on by Jesus.

~

EDIT: LAUP is now about a week away, and the teams going to LAUP and abroad still need to collectively raise about $17000(ahh!) If you would like to make a donation:

1. Go to https://donate.intervarsity.org/donate#17842
2. type in a $ amount (ignore the top part that asks you to type in a name because you're already at the right place)
3. it should lead you to a place where you can input all your name and other giving info.

If you aren't able to give financially, that's ok! You can also support mu team through prayer, which is just as important. I'll get into specific things you can be praying for in the next post. Thanks for reading this far!

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ohey ;)